Folks, there are certain situations, certain conditions of life, when a person should not get in their car, drive to the nearest grocery/department store and shop.
One of these times is when you've had a surgery and aren't supposed to lift anything heavier than your shirt sleeve. Yes, as sad as it is, there is no store out there that offers a personal shopper to aid in your buying experience. There is simply no one on staff who can wander the store with you while you browse and decide what to spend your hard earned money on. Yes, as a cashier I will empty your cart onto the belt for you, I'll bag your purchases and even put them back in your cart for you. Heck, I'll call a stockman who'll come push your cart to your car and put the bags in for you. That's all we've got, though...if the bag of oranges is too heavy for you to lift on maybe you really should have stayed home today.
Another of these times is when you had eye surgery yesterday and can't see much further than your elbow. When you had to hold the cottage cheese up for me to ask me if it was sour cream or not that was an indication that you should not be out shopping. That I, your smiling cashier, had to hold up each item in your cart and tell you what it is, was a HUGE sign that you should have just stayed home.
When you have picked your child up from school because the school nurse called you, insisting that your child was far too ill to remain in her office until the buses left, the only trip you really should make between picking him up and taking him home is the doctor's office and the pharmacy. Buying $300 worth of groceries while your sneezing, hacking, croupy coughing, leaking, lethargic child staggers along behind you ought to be illegal. I think in less tolerant countries somebody would beat you for that. Maybe you should go live there...at least until your child is old enough to take care of himself. Please?
When it becomes impossible to put on clothes, to run a comb through your hair or even wipe the sleep from your eyes it is not time to go shopping. I see so many people shopping in their pajamas it's amazing. Yes, some of the jammies are cute...sometimes they're even clean....and once in a great while it's debatable whether they're jammies or some kind of comfy outfit. But mostly they're dingy and faded and the wearer of said jammies has a bad case of bed head and looks like they just staggered out of their bedroom. I KNOW jammies are comfortable...what do you think I wear around my house? A wool suit and high heels? Heck no! But is it really that difficult, that time consuming, that much effort to comb your hair, to slip on sweat pants and a t-shirt, to wash your face? Or maybe, if you'd be so very kind, brush your teeth?
Late at night when you and your best friend have been partaking of a little magic herb, hanging out in the all night grocery department store is a bad enough idea...bringing your pre-school aged children with you is a much worse idea. Do you realize that you're on camera as you trip through the toy section hooting and giggling over the dancing Elmo as your toddler dozes off in the cart seat? As your friend goes long to catch the Nerf football you're about to throw in a public place, does it occur to you that not only are you NOT Tom Brady but you're barely qualified to be Roseanne Conner at this point. When you're acting like a stoned college kid have you ever stopped to consider that you're middle aged, you're no longer cute, your kids are not only watching you but we're all watching you. Why? Because, dumb ass, it's nearly midnight and your three year old is out in below freezing weather in their footie jammies and a blankie so that their stoned mommy could relive her sorority years with her stoner friend. Grow up.
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