It seems like the number one problem in relationships is the lack of communication. It's not that the two parties don't say what they mean or don't speak up. People don't seem to have much trouble expressing themselves. The hiccup seems to be in really hearing what the other person is saying. We want our partner to really HEAR the meaning behind our words, the emotions underneath what we're saying but we're not really doing that for them. And when the hurt feelings build up and there's anger and pain and even some fear about the future of the relationship it becomes very hard to let those negative emotions go. We're afraid that they'll be replaced with nothingness, and we'd rather have the anger and hurt than have nothing at all.
It doesn't help that men and women speak totally different languages. Men have been engineered by biology and evolution to provide. Their wiring is all about bigger, better, faster, stronger and how to get there. Women are wired for emotional support and to create the nest, to create the home. Our wiring is about comfort, nurturing, protection. This is by no means exclusive....the gender roles haven't been that clearly defined since the day man went from being a nomadic creature to staying put, farming and brewing beer....er....that is, since we settled down. But even though women can provide and men can nurture it doesn't change basic engineering. We are what we are and our basic instincts are in our DNA. I use the words man and woman in the traditional sense, but only you know which role applies to you so be flexible about the gender identities.
When a man loses his job or has his income cut it is NOT just a matter of trimming the household fat and hanging in there until things turn around. It's about his manhood....about him losing his ability to take care of his family, his primary purpose is threatened. No words of comfort, no assurances that things will be okay touch the anger and fear he has inside that he is failing, or worse, has already failed. And he can't tell us because even if he really understands this feeling, he's a man and men just don't voice these things. Fear is not an option....or something like that. And yes, this applies to men no matter what their sexual orientation, no matter how much money is in the bank, no matter how secure the household finances are. Unless he's stepping right into the next job and it is equal to, or greater than, the one he just got shut out of he will have a negative reaction to it.
So what can we do for them? Well, that I don't have any great answers for. It's important that we assure them that we still need them, that they are necessary, and that things will improve. But it's equally important not to comfort them like a child which makes them think we see them like a child, like somebody we now have to take care of. NOT complaining about what isn't getting paid or the things we can't have is important. He already knows he's not making enough money (even if he is). Reminding him drives the depression deeper. If you can get him to talk to his doctor and try an antidepressant during the hard times is a good idea. Otherwise, just hang in there. Try to find other ways to do fun things that are affordable. Family game nights, movie nights, "staycations" (and yes, that term is idiotic, but you know what I mean) -- the less impact on the overall feeling of contentment in the house the better. Now might be a good time to find out what his dreams are....maybe he'd like to go back to school or open his own business. There are so many programs out there for people who've been hurt by the recession that now is a great time to try something new.
It's just as hard for women when we lose our jobs, too. For many women, staying home is a dream and when we lose our jobs and are handed this dream the negativity of the job loss is compounded by our own guilt at secretly wanting to be home anyway. We want to clean the attic, we want to hunt the dust bunnies under the beds, we'd love to have a clutter free home, we'd like to cook some huge meal that blows everybody away. But we know that having a one income household means doing without a lot of things that many families consider standard: two cars, travelling, theme park vacations, fancy electronics, cell phones with unlimited data plans for everybody old enough to type, Coach purses, Tommy jeans, 4000 square feet homes with three stall garages on 1.5 acres of landscaped land, et cetera. Society tells us we're poor if we don't have half these things and we buy into it. All these things we "can't live without" make it necessary to have two incomes just to keep up with the bills. So we work, and we hate it. Being put out of a job is a dream come true....until the bills come and then we're eaten up with guilt for not helping to bear the burden we've created.
For women who have careers and jobs that they want outside the home losing that can be a huge blow to our self esteem. Equality has come a long, long way in the last few generations, but it's still difficult to be a woman in the working world. When layoffs and downsizing hits it is often the women who go home first with the archaic thinking that there is a "MAN" to provide for the household or they don't want to fire a "MAN" because he has a family to provide for. As if somehow the women don't have the same responsibilities. But if we voice opinions that we lost our job due to being a woman then we are using our status as a female minority to strong arm an employer into keeping us whether or not we're the best person for the job. We're taking a job away from a "MAN" who has a family to provide for. So we have these feelings to deal with, these stereotypes and images to contend with, along with all the usual fun and games that go along with unemployment.
Either way, as women we want to be comforted. We already know how to hunt for a job. We already know how to trim the fat in the household and how to stretch the dollars, even if we aren't always very good at it. We know, academically, that there are other jobs out there and that we'll find one of those jobs and eventually it will all work out. Women were built for endurance and we can handle the kind of stress that comes with the job hunt. But we need a release valve...we need to rant and rave about the unfairness of life and how sometimes it feels like the world is out to get us. We need to say it out loud how much it all sucks. We don't want somebody to fix it for us, or to help us or to tell us what to do. We just need to let the negativity out and have somebody say, "You're right. It sucks. But it will be okay." Men have a natural instinct to want to fix things for us. If we present a problem he feels that it is his job to take care of the problem. So how can we get a man to listen to us? This I have a suggestion for! lol Being a woman and all.... BEFORE you start to complain, before you release the valve on the pent up frustration and anger inside you, TELL HIM what you want from him. Men do not take hints. Men do not read between lines. Men like straightforward instructions. So come right out and say, "I need some comforting and just to vent." This way he knows what is expected of him and he can help us in a way that is effective, which is what he wanted to do all along.
Whether you're married, whether your spouse is male or female, whether you're male or female....the dynamics of relationships usually work in fairly set patterns. Whether you've got a masculine outlook on life or a more feminine outlook, it's important that your partner understand your needs and that you understand theirs. Sometimes, when things have gone too far the bad feelings build up a wall between you. Whether you're more wrong or they are, somebody has to open the lines between you. Don't suppress the anger, don't pretend the hurt isn't there. Instead, forgive. Let the anger and hurt go. Reach out to your partner and ask them what they need and then really listen to what they're saying. If you do this for them that should set the precedent for them to do the same for you. If it doesn't send them a link to this!! And if nothing works then maybe it's time to consider other options.
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