So I've started working out. By this I mean that as I pass the exercise machines on the way to the washer and dryer I stop and use them for a few minutes. It's absolutely amazing how weak and out of shape I am!! My 20th High School Reunion is this summer....unfortunately it's not only the weekend of my birthday, but the weekend that we take an annual trip to my brother and sister-in-law's in Henrietta to see the Air Show. This year the Blue Angels are coming and that's a huge treat because they are really the top in the field. So I intend to miss my 20th HS reunion. I'd still like to get in shape before then, though....how weird am I?
Nine years ago when my husband and I started dating I was a size 16/18. I'd lost some weight (185lbs or so kicking out the ex) being less depressed but it plateaued quickly because I had an under active thyroid. When I realized that was the problem I got it medicated and dropped a bit more weight. But being happy and being with a man who found me sexy and hot just the way I was allowed me to be lazy and not really pay much attention. Over the next four years before we got married I managed to gain a few pounds here and a few pounds there. In 2005 I was diagnosed a Type 2 Diabetic at 32 and was about a size 22W then. Yeah...I was FAT.....at 5'4" that is fat....there's really no other word for it unless you want to bury your head in the sand.
That was a HUGE wake up call....no pun intended. I really took charge of myself. I was walking up to four miles at least every other day. I was active, I watched what I ate, I really went all out. I went overboard. I became the extreme version of myself being healthy. And I burned out on it. You can really only eat so many bowls of Kashi for breakfast.....so many properly balanced snacks and meals.....and you can truly only have pretend chocolate just so many times before you snap. I didn't snap all at once....I slid. I was the ultimate fat pendulum....I went from the most unhealthy version of myself, to the most healthy, and then began the swing back to unhealthy. Two days before giving birth to my son in 2000 I weighed 215lbs and resembled a medium sized home. In my unhealthy years I topped out around 230lbs.
There are plenty of reasons why I gained the weight....I enjoy food, I was happy and comfortable with myself and just didn't pay attention, it was too hot/cold to walk, I was too tired after working to exercise....all the usual bullshit. Those reasons are not excuses. There is no excuse for a 5'4" woman to weigh 200+ pounds. No under active glands, no thyroid imbalances, no diabetes meds that "make" you gain weight...none of these things are excuses. I just got lazy about myself and got fat.
Don't get me wrong....it wasn't that I had a low self esteem. I didn't suffer from depression or anxiety or any personality or social disorders. When I was working I worked, when I was home I cooked, cleaned, took care of my family. I took showers, I wore nice clothes, I knew how to dress so that I looked my best, I wore make-up and did my hair. I was not slovenly, I was not a slob, I was not as wide as I was tall or ugly or anybody you'd look twice at. I was just another woman approaching middle age who let herself go...and went a wee bit further than she thought. Being fat does not mean a person is lazy in general, or a slob or a bad person.
But we all know the story of the diet roller coaster; right? So the weight came back and brought some friends....that's how it goes. When I was outgrowing size 22W jeans and able to loosely wear a size 24W I had enough. I didn't stop eating, I didn't buy some new diet pills, I didn't do a whole body cleanse, or buy shakes or go nuts. I changed one thing. I started with buying whole grain white bread instead of standard white bread. I started buying Fiber One products like pancakes to replace the usual ones we'd eat, and their granola bars for snacks, and their cereals. They even make cottage cheese now! I gradually changed the things that I was buying not just for myself, but for my husband and son, from the typical crap to something better. I started drinking more water and making sure not to sit for more than a certain amount of time even if I just got up to walk to the next room and drink a cup of water. I focussed on gradually increasing the fiber in our diets because this is one very important and very ignored area of nutrition. Fiber is king in the world of nutrition and it can change how your digestive system functions in it's entirety for the better.
It's been somewhere between two and three years since I've started this gradual campaign. My family never really noticed they were eating healthier, they just were. Nobody noticed when I dropped to a size 18. Maybe because I was still wearing many of the same clothes and still dressed baggy. When I pulled out my summer clothes in 2010 and none of them fit because they were too big people noticed. When I started to wear a regular size 16 people noticed. And it feels GOOOOOOOD to have people notice! I gained a bit back over the holidays (big surprise) but I fully intend to be a 14 for next summer. I know if I went on some program like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slimfast or something I could probably get down to a 10. But I also know from past experience that I'd bounce right back. It may be taking me a long time, but the weight is staying off. Someday I'll be a size 8 again.
And so I'm working out again. Just in bits and pieces, here and there, for a few minutes a few times a day. But spring is coming and when the snow is gone maybe I'll get walking again and get back in shape. Right now if I wear the right low cut shirt to a bar nobody really notices how fat I still am. But I'd really like to feel sexy....I'd really like to feel that, when I put on an outfit, it looks goood. I don't want to dress like a teenager or a college student. I'll be 40 in a few more years and I have absolutely NO desire to relive my younger years, as much fun as they were. But I would like to have the body confidence that I had back then. Fifteen years ago I KNEW that my body was nice. It wasn't as toned or as thin as some girls', but I felt sexy. And that's the goal now....to feel sexy. When my husband and I go out I want him to have his hackles up the whole night. :-) And when I have eyes for nobody else but him I want other guys to think he's a lucky son of a bitch. And I'd like to feel like they're right. :-D
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