Yeah, it's a vague Doctor Who reference that many readers aren't going to understand. The point, though, is that even the good guy lies, even the hero lies, even somebody we love, trust, and respect will lie. Everybody lies. Oh, now don't get your panties into a twist declaring that you're not a liar, that you are an honest person! You may be a very honest person, as people go, but you still tell lies. They may not be big lies, you may call them "White Lies", but that's a weak rationalization. A lie is any time that you don't tell the actual truth, no matter your intentions.
That outfit looks fine.
You don't look a day over 25.
We took Fido/Kitty to a farm.
Your art project looks wonderful.
That hair color looks totally natural.
Nobody will notice that zit.
I thought the speed limit was 55 mph through here.
No, I never tried pot.
I've never looked at porn.
I've never stolen anything.
I've never copied somebody's homework.
I've never cheated on a test.
I've never lied about my sources in the bibliography.
I've had many sexual conquests.
I'm practically a virgin.
No, I've never tried that.
Yes, I always wear my seatbelt.
Yes, I vacuumed under the couch.
The dog knocked it over and broke it.
I don't know how that happened.
I have no idea who ate the last cookie.
It's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
I'm fine.
So how many of those sound familiar? Oh yeah.....and you can add to that list the lies you tell and the lies you have been told. Lies are just part of the fabric that holds society together. If we all went around telling the absolute truth every time we were ever asked something it would quickly descend into angry chaos. We have a variety of words for people who don't hold back and are completely honest, or try to be: blunt, harsh, rude, mean, asshole, and more. So let's not be holier-than-thou and pretend that lying is always a bad thing, that all lies are wrong. Who made up that rule, anyway? That all lies are bad and only total honesty is good? It's an impossible standard! All things in moderation, even honesty.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
Confessions Of A Teenagers Mom
Yes, I'm a mom. In the online world when a woman declares herself a mother it seems that the automatic assumption is that she has small children around. Somehow, once they no longer need 24/7 monitoring we are expected to disappear, go away, sit quietly in the back of the mommy rooms and keep to ourselves.
HA! No way! I didn't go through nearly 15 years of motherhood to have some newbie tell me I'm old news! So here are a few things that I, and some other mothers of teenagers, have learned.
Oh, yes. Just because they can cook on the stove, work the washing machine, and know how to fix my computer when it's just beyond my skill, doesn't mean I am obsolete. Yes, he knows not to wear a blue shirt with black jeans. Yes, he knows how to mow the lawn. Yes, I haven't been able to help him with his homework in about six years now. There are still new challenges happening in his life. There is romance, something that is definitely not inborn and must be taught. There is the temptation of alcohol and drugs, something that you can't ever stop talking honestly about. There is the ever looming choices of colleges and career paths. There is sex, something that oh yes, kids his age are already doing, and whatever you believe, it's his body and his choice and not something you get to to control, so you'd better learn to talk about it so you can help him where you can. There is drama, always. They need us now as much as they ever did.
I am raising a young adult. My job is to help him to grow into a good and reasonably happy person. Of course we all set boundaries and with each age there are certain lines that cannot be crossed. Just like I wouldn't let him play GTA when he was seven years old, I will also not let him go to an unsupervised party at 15. There are absolutely boundaries, but I've found that laying down absolute rules is a level of rigidity that doesn't work well when dealing with teens. Now, it may work well for some parents, but I've also seen many teens rebel all the harder for being ruled with an iron fist at home. When we've come up against a boundary that my teen feels shouldn't apply to him anymore, we discuss it. He gets to state his reasons, and he has to listen to my reasons, and sometimes he gets to win the debate and stretch the boundaries. Which leads into...
Yes, you are the parent. Yes, you are older, wiser, you brought that *ahem* young person into this world, and yes it's your house, your rules (see above). However, repression and oppression are really poor ways to raise a human being and nurture their spirit, and help them grow into a complete adult type person. Growth requires change and you really need to allow yourself to be open to those changes. Never allowing your child to win an argument or a debate doesn't make you strong, it makes them resentful. If they're being bratty and childish then no, they lose no matter what the argument is, but if they discuss their objection like an adult and it's reasonable, you may want to consider letting them have a win.
Oh, I see your precious little person there, and oh yes, she's adorable. Yes, that new baby smell is just amazing. All those firsts you have in front of you are wonderful! Yes, one is a wonderful age, as is four, as is eight, and so on. They're ALL wonderful ages. But I've changed my share of diapers, I've scrubbed my share of rugs and furniture, I've done those years when you need five sets of bedding to avoid doing laundry every single stinking day. Oh yes, all those wonderful moments are worth every bit of the aggravation, but been there, done that, tyvm. I enjoyed those younger years when they were in front of me, and now I'll enjoy these teen years. Next I'll enjoy the young adult years. No, I don't miss any of it. I'm looking forward, not back.
You know how hard it is to find a reliable babysitter? I do. I remember. I remember having to schedule my life around naps and meals. I remember parking by cart carousels no matter how far away they were from the store so that I could put my son in his car seat AND return the cart without having to carry him through the parking lot or leave him unattended in a car. I remember only eating out at family type eateries and only when the child was in the right mood. I remember choosing to leave businesses when my child couldn't hold it together anymore. I remember years of visits with friends that always included children. I remember being chained to nursery school drop off and pick up times, to play date schedules, to school schedules, to extra curricular schedules, because I had to attend, I had to assist, I had to do my part, and I had to be the taxi for it all. I remember when a sick day meant either my own day was cancelled or trying to find one of those sitters who will take a sick child (HA HA!!). I remember taking a small human with me every. where. I. went. for about a dozen years. Including bathrooms. I remember play dates and sleepovers where I had to be present, awake, and aware at all times for supervision. I remember countless mornings being the alarm clock, the breakfast chef, and watching for the bus. I remember my son being intertwined in every aspect of my life, every decision, every move, every plan. Oh, I still play taxi, and I still supervise, I still take care of him when he's sick, but I no longer have to be a continual hovering (dare I say, helicoptering) presence in his moment to moment life. I am free!
As fascinating as it is to talk to a young child and even to teach them and show them new things and hear their wonder, their questions, their amazement as their little brains absorb the new material....it's equally as frustrating as you spend the next 2741 conversations rehashing all that same information over and over. And over. And over. And many thanks to Google and Wikipedia for helping us all out with the thousands of follow up questions inspired by our moment of insanity, er, I mean education. There are equally awkward conversations in the tween years as you learn how to answer honestly, but in some age appropriate ways, about the big questions. As you white knuckle the steering wheel as you appear to casually discuss sexual intercourse. As you tap dance around your own college years as you discuss the evils of drug use and alcohol abuse. Awkward hardly covers it. Beyond all that, though, is an entirely new realm of conversation. What you have is a young adult who is seeing many things in the world for the first time, or noticing things for the first time, and he has opinions, and questions, and can talk, really Talk, about thoughts and feelings. Things like presidential elections, gun laws, abortion rights, floods in Haiti, drought in California, war in Iraq, genocide in Rwanda. You get to see a young mind interpret all the input on things and watch opinions form and discuss, as adults, all sorts of topics. It's got the "Where are Max and Ruby's parents?" convo beats hands down.
We all know those dreaded words, "Mommy, can I help?" This one's a no-brainer. When they reach a certain age they are actually capable of helping. They aren't as happy about it, granted, but they're much better at it.
If you think that your child has nothing to teach you, more power to you. This afternoon mine explained what Reddit is to me. Yeah....I Googled it, but it made a lot more sense when he explained it.
Well, I was going to talk about the sheer dollar amount that I save in printing pictures, but then I realized that those savings are eaten up by the locust that is a teenager when he hits the kitchen. So never mind.
When you've got a smaller child around you don't get to have things like hobbies, spa days, or time to yourself. Oh, you can try....but it becomes actual work as you either go through the babysitter seek-and-find trying to get just a few hours to yourself, for which you may then feel guilty, or you bring your child with you. Taking your child with you while you try to have your own fun is some kind of oxymoron....it ain't gonna happen. It's like those Give A Mouse A Cookie books and it just spirals into you supervising your child as they play at your hobby and you look longingly on. Now, once you've got a teenager on your hands they either have zero interest in being around you so you're free to do your own thing, or if they DO want to hang with you for a bit, they are fully capable of doing things on their own. Whether it's photography, scrapbooking, fishing, gardening, hiking, origami, etc., they don't need you to hold their hand anymore. Now, some moms may find that thought somewhat disturbing, the idea that their baby doesn't NEED them anymore, but see #1 above and chill. And enjoy a glass of wine while you read a book, because you can do that now!
HA! No way! I didn't go through nearly 15 years of motherhood to have some newbie tell me I'm old news! So here are a few things that I, and some other mothers of teenagers, have learned.
1. They still need us.
Oh, yes. Just because they can cook on the stove, work the washing machine, and know how to fix my computer when it's just beyond my skill, doesn't mean I am obsolete. Yes, he knows not to wear a blue shirt with black jeans. Yes, he knows how to mow the lawn. Yes, I haven't been able to help him with his homework in about six years now. There are still new challenges happening in his life. There is romance, something that is definitely not inborn and must be taught. There is the temptation of alcohol and drugs, something that you can't ever stop talking honestly about. There is the ever looming choices of colleges and career paths. There is sex, something that oh yes, kids his age are already doing, and whatever you believe, it's his body and his choice and not something you get to to control, so you'd better learn to talk about it so you can help him where you can. There is drama, always. They need us now as much as they ever did.
2. There are no Rules.
I am raising a young adult. My job is to help him to grow into a good and reasonably happy person. Of course we all set boundaries and with each age there are certain lines that cannot be crossed. Just like I wouldn't let him play GTA when he was seven years old, I will also not let him go to an unsupervised party at 15. There are absolutely boundaries, but I've found that laying down absolute rules is a level of rigidity that doesn't work well when dealing with teens. Now, it may work well for some parents, but I've also seen many teens rebel all the harder for being ruled with an iron fist at home. When we've come up against a boundary that my teen feels shouldn't apply to him anymore, we discuss it. He gets to state his reasons, and he has to listen to my reasons, and sometimes he gets to win the debate and stretch the boundaries. Which leads into...
3. You have to let them Win some.
Yes, you are the parent. Yes, you are older, wiser, you brought that *ahem* young person into this world, and yes it's your house, your rules (see above). However, repression and oppression are really poor ways to raise a human being and nurture their spirit, and help them grow into a complete adult type person. Growth requires change and you really need to allow yourself to be open to those changes. Never allowing your child to win an argument or a debate doesn't make you strong, it makes them resentful. If they're being bratty and childish then no, they lose no matter what the argument is, but if they discuss their objection like an adult and it's reasonable, you may want to consider letting them have a win.
4. No, I really do not miss the younger years.
Oh, I see your precious little person there, and oh yes, she's adorable. Yes, that new baby smell is just amazing. All those firsts you have in front of you are wonderful! Yes, one is a wonderful age, as is four, as is eight, and so on. They're ALL wonderful ages. But I've changed my share of diapers, I've scrubbed my share of rugs and furniture, I've done those years when you need five sets of bedding to avoid doing laundry every single stinking day. Oh yes, all those wonderful moments are worth every bit of the aggravation, but been there, done that, tyvm. I enjoyed those younger years when they were in front of me, and now I'll enjoy these teen years. Next I'll enjoy the young adult years. No, I don't miss any of it. I'm looking forward, not back.
5. I LOVE the freedom!
You know how hard it is to find a reliable babysitter? I do. I remember. I remember having to schedule my life around naps and meals. I remember parking by cart carousels no matter how far away they were from the store so that I could put my son in his car seat AND return the cart without having to carry him through the parking lot or leave him unattended in a car. I remember only eating out at family type eateries and only when the child was in the right mood. I remember choosing to leave businesses when my child couldn't hold it together anymore. I remember years of visits with friends that always included children. I remember being chained to nursery school drop off and pick up times, to play date schedules, to school schedules, to extra curricular schedules, because I had to attend, I had to assist, I had to do my part, and I had to be the taxi for it all. I remember when a sick day meant either my own day was cancelled or trying to find one of those sitters who will take a sick child (HA HA!!). I remember taking a small human with me every. where. I. went. for about a dozen years. Including bathrooms. I remember play dates and sleepovers where I had to be present, awake, and aware at all times for supervision. I remember countless mornings being the alarm clock, the breakfast chef, and watching for the bus. I remember my son being intertwined in every aspect of my life, every decision, every move, every plan. Oh, I still play taxi, and I still supervise, I still take care of him when he's sick, but I no longer have to be a continual hovering (dare I say, helicoptering) presence in his moment to moment life. I am free!
6. The conversation is much better.
As fascinating as it is to talk to a young child and even to teach them and show them new things and hear their wonder, their questions, their amazement as their little brains absorb the new material....it's equally as frustrating as you spend the next 2741 conversations rehashing all that same information over and over. And over. And over. And many thanks to Google and Wikipedia for helping us all out with the thousands of follow up questions inspired by our moment of insanity, er, I mean education. There are equally awkward conversations in the tween years as you learn how to answer honestly, but in some age appropriate ways, about the big questions. As you white knuckle the steering wheel as you appear to casually discuss sexual intercourse. As you tap dance around your own college years as you discuss the evils of drug use and alcohol abuse. Awkward hardly covers it. Beyond all that, though, is an entirely new realm of conversation. What you have is a young adult who is seeing many things in the world for the first time, or noticing things for the first time, and he has opinions, and questions, and can talk, really Talk, about thoughts and feelings. Things like presidential elections, gun laws, abortion rights, floods in Haiti, drought in California, war in Iraq, genocide in Rwanda. You get to see a young mind interpret all the input on things and watch opinions form and discuss, as adults, all sorts of topics. It's got the "Where are Max and Ruby's parents?" convo beats hands down.
7. Helping is actually helpful.
We all know those dreaded words, "Mommy, can I help?" This one's a no-brainer. When they reach a certain age they are actually capable of helping. They aren't as happy about it, granted, but they're much better at it.
8. They can teach us.
If you think that your child has nothing to teach you, more power to you. This afternoon mine explained what Reddit is to me. Yeah....I Googled it, but it made a lot more sense when he explained it.
9. Film/Picture Processing
Well, I was going to talk about the sheer dollar amount that I save in printing pictures, but then I realized that those savings are eaten up by the locust that is a teenager when he hits the kitchen. So never mind.
10. Selfish Pursuits
When you've got a smaller child around you don't get to have things like hobbies, spa days, or time to yourself. Oh, you can try....but it becomes actual work as you either go through the babysitter seek-and-find trying to get just a few hours to yourself, for which you may then feel guilty, or you bring your child with you. Taking your child with you while you try to have your own fun is some kind of oxymoron....it ain't gonna happen. It's like those Give A Mouse A Cookie books and it just spirals into you supervising your child as they play at your hobby and you look longingly on. Now, once you've got a teenager on your hands they either have zero interest in being around you so you're free to do your own thing, or if they DO want to hang with you for a bit, they are fully capable of doing things on their own. Whether it's photography, scrapbooking, fishing, gardening, hiking, origami, etc., they don't need you to hold their hand anymore. Now, some moms may find that thought somewhat disturbing, the idea that their baby doesn't NEED them anymore, but see #1 above and chill. And enjoy a glass of wine while you read a book, because you can do that now!
Florida Tollbooth Company Made Out As Bad Guy on Social Media
So in recent news, a Florida tollbooth company has been dragged through social media as the bad guy when they did everything they reasonably could to keep a senior worker employed despite his failing skills at his job.
The Gasparilla Island Bridge Authority recently had to terminate 77-year old Vladislav 'Sam' Samsonov of Boca Grande from his position as a full time worker at the Boca Grande Causeway. Mr. Samsonov, who worked the job for 29 years, had mistakenly undercharged a vehicle and to compensate he put the balance of the fees into the till out of his own pocket. This was not the first time that this had occurred and he had been warned more than once by his superiors about his actions. When the same mistake occurred this time, having not heeded the prior multiple warnings, his employers did not outright terminate him but offered him instead a reduced schedule. Mr. Samsonov declined the opportunity to keep his job at the reduced hours and the company was forced to terminate him.
The story was shared from the point of view of Mr. Samsonov being a victim on social media and has now spread across the internet. People in the Gasparilla Island area are sad to see a longtime fixture removed and rather than really look at the reasons why, they assume that the point of view put forth in online media is the only one. There have been threats and vulgar displays as well as outrage and support. The Bridge Authority is completely unable to comment in any way due to national privacy laws and are completely at the mercy of whatever supporters of Mr. Samsonov wish to claim about them to the internet world. They aren't able to defend themselves by explaining that the employee was making regular mistakes, that he was trying to cover up his mistakes, that he had been warned more than once about accuracy on the job, and that he was offered a solution that would have allowed him to keep his job but he declined.
There's nothing quite like being judged and found guilty in the court of internet social media when you can't even defend yourself against the mistaken assumptions.
The Gasparilla Island Bridge Authority recently had to terminate 77-year old Vladislav 'Sam' Samsonov of Boca Grande from his position as a full time worker at the Boca Grande Causeway. Mr. Samsonov, who worked the job for 29 years, had mistakenly undercharged a vehicle and to compensate he put the balance of the fees into the till out of his own pocket. This was not the first time that this had occurred and he had been warned more than once by his superiors about his actions. When the same mistake occurred this time, having not heeded the prior multiple warnings, his employers did not outright terminate him but offered him instead a reduced schedule. Mr. Samsonov declined the opportunity to keep his job at the reduced hours and the company was forced to terminate him.
The story was shared from the point of view of Mr. Samsonov being a victim on social media and has now spread across the internet. People in the Gasparilla Island area are sad to see a longtime fixture removed and rather than really look at the reasons why, they assume that the point of view put forth in online media is the only one. There have been threats and vulgar displays as well as outrage and support. The Bridge Authority is completely unable to comment in any way due to national privacy laws and are completely at the mercy of whatever supporters of Mr. Samsonov wish to claim about them to the internet world. They aren't able to defend themselves by explaining that the employee was making regular mistakes, that he was trying to cover up his mistakes, that he had been warned more than once about accuracy on the job, and that he was offered a solution that would have allowed him to keep his job but he declined.
There's nothing quite like being judged and found guilty in the court of internet social media when you can't even defend yourself against the mistaken assumptions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)