It's been an absolutely beautiful day here in Northern NY. I went to bed last night with a sore neck....I think I got whiplash moving paint cans or something equally foolish. Thankfully, this morning it had let go. So since I was up and had a few extra bucks in my pocket I went to Hogansburg, NY where they were having their town wide garage sales. This is a part of Akwasasne Mohawk Indian Reservation. There were so many sales!! I only hit about half of them, got some amazing deals on some random things, a little of this and a little of that, then I had to make myself stop. Hit Aldi's to pick up a few grocery items then headed home.
The kiddo has a couple friends over, so Kyle and I put a big dinner together. We had a smoked roast in the fridge from when we ran the smoker the other day, salt potatoes, fresh cherry tomatoes and some baked beans. Mmmmmmm!!!!!! The kind of meal that you want to just keep eating and eating until it's all gone! But there was way too much food for that, so we'll have tasty leftovers for the boys to scavenge in the night when they take a break from whatever video games they're currently playing.
Now it's time to relax. If Kyle didn't have to work tonight it'd be a perfect night for a campfire, but alas....his shift starts at 11pm so he'll need to go have a nap shortly. He's set up a Kindle and I've shown him a few sites for good book deals. I've been watching the X-Files so I'll put that on the Roku in a bit. I've seen it before, of course, but only a handful of episodes and the movie. In the 90's when it came out I was a college student, then a single girl on my own, so I never subscribed to cable where I could sit and watch any series completely. Now that everything is available thanks to streaming technology I can sit and watch entire series from start to finish, though! So it worked out very well, in the end. And I still don't pay for a regular cable or satellite subscription! I can't imagine why anybody does, these days.
My son's 8th grade schedule arrived yesterday. He will be in Team 3, which means nothing to anybody outside of that school, but it's handy that this year one of his good friends is on the same team so they'll have the same classes at the same time. Heck, they've even got homeroom together -- that poor, poor teacher! And he did stay in honors math and science, so this year he'll be taking Algebra and Earth Science. I got really lucky and found a TI-84+ Silver Ed. for $20 at a yard sale in the spring. He looked at me funny when I showed it to him, but when I explained that those suckers start at $70 and go up from there depending on sales and luck, he got the picture.
So that's it for today. No contemplative posting, no stories, just a relaxing day doing random assorted things. Happy Saturday!
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Some Suggestions for a Peaceful Existance
1. Choose your battles.
Is it really worth the aggravation to try to force others to see your point in an internet debate or argument? You can pretty well tell within the first few exchanges if there's going to be an actual conversation where people share information and communicate, or if it's going to spiral down into a Jerry Springer episode. Life is too short. Shut the computer off and go do something productive.
Do you really think that your teenager is going to cheerfully do everything you tell her, never questioning you, never complaining, and maybe even without having to be asked at all? How often do you try to nail jello to a tree?
Your six year old dog is not going to learn, today, to stop barking at the neighbors. Bring him inside and let it go.
Your employer, if they're like most, is out to get as much out of its employees as possible while paying as little as possible. That's how business works in today's world.
If you try to fight every fight and win every battle, you're going to have a bad time. There are times when walking away, dropping it, letting it go, is really your best option. You don't have to win every time. It's not always worth the struggle.
2. Love yourself.
I don't mean that you should just not be suicidal. This means a lot more than we think when we throw that phrase around. This means stop hating on the grey hair. Buy clothes that fit and wear them instead of squeezing into those old jeans that give you a hernia and weeping about sizes gone by. This means that even when you're a hot mess you're still a worthwhile person who deserves good things. If you don't believe it, nobody else will. If you can't get there, get help. Real, professional help. This is a tough one to fix if it's gone wrong. You deserve love, both from yourself and from the world around you. If you can't believe that, you need to learn how.
3. Respect ALL Others
This one is kind of difficult. I've tried to find a better word to express myself, but haven't really come across it. My use of the word respect is meant as acknowledging that each human being has the same right to think, feel, behave, and live their lives how they choose, as any other human being. To respect each individual's right to exist on this planet; to grant that they are a human being, as each of us are, and that if we're born with any rights at all, then so we are ALL born with those same rights.
It's easy to respect people who earn your respect. It's easy to respect people who you like, whose choices you agree with. But what about the others? Your co-worker who stabbed you in the back to steal your promotion, your former friend who went nuts one afternoon, started freaking out on you, and hasn't spoken to you in a year, your uncle who spread terrible rumors about you because you wouldn't loan (give) him money, that person you read about in the newspaper who had her children taken away by social services because she was on drugs, that man living out of his car panhandling at the park, and more. Yes, there are people in this world that we like to say deserve no respect. We like to think that they are inferior, that because of their actions, their inaction, who they were born as, things they have or don't have, that we are better than they are. We don't like to say it that way, even inside our heads, but that's the core of it. We are wrong. That feeling is wrong. Every human being on this planet came into this world in the same way and is every bit as mortal, as fallible, as flawed, as beautiful. Some people make bad choices, terrible choices, choices that are ruinous to themselves or to others, sometimes to thousands of others. They are still human. The moment that you put yourself above them you make your own bad choice....because that's the same kind of thinking that gets them in those places. Nobody is superior. Smarter, maybe, luckier, certainly, kinder, gentler, more generous, sure, but nobody is a superior human being to anybody else. When you deny this to other people the only person you are hurting is yourself.
4. Explain yourself
Believe it or not, the people in your life are not mind readers. Nobody can understand what you don't explain. What do you feel? What do you want? Why? Expecting the people around you, even those who know you very well, to take hints, to just understand, to see you and somehow derive things from visual cues is all wrongful thinking. You see this most often in poor communication between men and women, but it happens to everybody. If your idea if going on strike is to stop doing dishes you might want to start by making sure that your housemates know you're frustrated about always having to do the dishes. If you want your partner to show you affection sitting at the table pouting might not be the best way to communicate that. If your children don't understand why you say something, responding with because I said so isn't very helpful.
We all get tired of it. We all wish somebody would just KNOW what we want, what we need, and provide that once in a while. The reality of it, though, is that nobody is psychic and the only way you'll ever get what you want is to communicate with others. I'm angry that nobody but me washes the dishes. I'm feeling upset and I'd really just like you to hold me for a while. You should do chores because a family is a team and we all have to pitch in.
By the way.....letting the people around you know when you're happy is a nice balance. Don't fall into the trap of just communicating the negative things.....communicate all of it.
5. Forgive
Forgiveness is hard. It's not enough to just say to others or to yourself, I forgive her. You have to actually mean it. But more than that.....you have to do it all over again. Oh yes! Forgiveness is not permanent, you see. You can honestly forgive somebody today and then in a week have a flash of anger or resentment hit you and discover that you've got to forgive that person all over again! Forgiveness is work, and it's hard work. It's a lot easier to just stay bitter, to just be angry, to hate....tiring, but easier. Forgiveness means letting go of pain, it means no longer holding somebody else accountable for the pain that you feel at their hands, and it means that you have to let the incident fall behind you and become a part of the past. It also means that when the hurt resurfaces that you have to deal with it all by yourself, that you can't resurface the entire situation and hold the person accountable all over again, but deal with it by yourself and go through the steps of letting it all go, all over again.
Even more....it means forgiving yourself.
6. Admit Your Mistakes
Guess what? You're human. As a part of the human race, you make mistakes, you have character flaws, you aren't perfect. Surprised? If you are, this may take some time.
Our world today has become a place where it's nearly impossible to offer criticism to another person. Constructive criticism, a very useful tool in helping people grow, is now considered a bad, awful thing. If an employer or co-worker offers some the response is often 'I know how to do my job!' If a friend offers some 'Who does she think she is?' If a partner offers some 'Why is s/he attacking me?' If a parent, sibling or other family offers is 'They just don't understand me!'
Well, maybe you can do your job better, which in the end could lead to raises, promotions, and a better future. Maybe she thinks shes you're friend and doesn't want to see you make mistakes and get hurt unnecessarily. Your partner hopefully loves you and may be having a problem with something you're doing. Your family understands you better than you think they do, usually, and hopefully wants what's best for you. When you make it impossible for anybody to ever say anything negative about you, you stop growing as a person. We all have room to grow, we all make mistakes, we all have things we can be working on. Instead of reacting in outrage and anger, try to listen to the constructive criticism and try to learn from it. Try to grow as a person.
7. Let Go of Regret
Most people will admit they have some regrets. The lists usually consist of bad relationships, poor financial decisions, and so on. Some people have larger regrets.....a marriage, a pregnancy, or other major life choices gone wrong. Regrets are wasted energy. They are negativity added into your life that never needs to be there. When you feel regret there are two questions to ask yourself. A) Do you like your life today? and B) If you don't like your life, what needs to change? If you like your life as it is today then regret nothing because all the choices, the wins, the failures, that you've experienced brought you on this path to where you are now. If you don't like your life then stop lamenting it and look at how to fix it. Change is hard, but often necessary for personal growth. Don't be afraid of it. The past is already gone but you have some control of the future if you'll only take the reins.
8. Don't Try To Change Others
Oh, this is a doozy! There is a line from the movie Jerry Maguire that sums this up so very, very much:
You will never get your ex to understand that you just wanted him to put you before his friends, and why that was so important to you, and to change accordingly. You've just got to accept that this is who he is. You will never get your girlfriend to not freak out over that magazine she found....if she doesn't accept it today she's not going to accept it in 10 years. This is how she feels and this isn't going to change. You aren't going to change your mother after all this time just by telling her that when she says you should lose a few pounds you want to consume a gallon of ice cream. If your BFF likes drama, nothing you say or don't say is going to change that so either get used to it or move on.
You do not have the power to change another person. You can't make him happy, you can't make her feel secure, you can't alter how they think or who they are inside. Learn to accept them for who they are, flaws and all, or let them go and find somebody who can.
9. Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged
"Oh, they're Smiths....you know! They live over in the Project Housing. All those Smith kids are bad."
"Well, she doesn't really HAVE to work, you know. Her parents are the Jonses! They're loaded."
"She got that job because they needed to fill a quota for female employees. It's not really a woman's job."
"He got into that college because he's black, you know. Equal Opportunity crap."
"Fat is not a handicap! If you'd walk instead you'd probably fix yourself!"
"Muslim?!? I don't want my kid in class with some terrorists kids!"
"Jeeez....feed her a cheeseburger or something! Where's the rest of her??"
"What??!! Are you retarded or something???"
Have you ever moved your hand protectively over your purse when a black kid with a hoodie was waling toward you?
Have you ever found yourself slowing down your speech and using smaller words to talk to somebody who is elderly?
Have you ever been horrified when somebody of the same gender hit on you?
Have you ever averted your eyes when walking near a biker in full gear? Avoiding eye contact?
Do you assume that all church goers believe the Bible word for blessed word and question nothing?
Do you think all gun owners are violent and aggressive people hoping to shoot somebody?
When a 7 year old child throws a full on tantrum in a store, do you assume his parents are morons who don't know how to raise a child?
If the person in front of you at the grocery store uses a food stamp card do you assume they're abusing the system?
If you see a young woman who appears to be in her teens with a baby or pregnant do you give her a dirty look or think she's a whore?
The list goes on. You know it does. And you know we all do it. I do it! We are raised with attitudes about certain groups of people, we pick more up along the way. We shed some when we get to know people and have life experiences, but we gain others from negative experiences. Making these judgments is a part of human nature; it's hardwired into us. But that is no excuse. Human beings have proven for centuries that we are more than just our biology, more than just another animal in the animal kingdom full of instincts and reactions we don't control. We control our own behaviors. We control our speech. We can even control our very thoughts! *gasp* So when you find yourself muttering about somebody, making some knee jerk comment related to their appearance, age, gender, sexual orientation, intelligence, etc......go back to #3, remember that you, too, do stupid things and make people angry, and try to let go of the judgmental attitude.
10. Meditate.
There are 24 hours in the day. Take 10 minutes of the 1440 minutes in that day for yourself. You don't have to sit with your legs crossed chanting OM, you don't have to light candles, burn incense, have complete silence, solitude, or any other stereotypical thing we associate in our heads with meditation. Lay in bed and listen to music. Take a walk around the block. Lock yourself in the laundry room and sit quietly for a bit listening to the whir of the washing machine. Stop on the way home from work at a park and just sit on a bench for a few minutes in the sun. Or in the rain. Or in your car! Whatever, where ever, it doesn't matter how you do it, just do it. Whatever it is that helps you to relax, that helps you turn off the cacophony inside your head, that helps that knot in your neck, your back, your gut, to untie even a little. DO IT. You may feel silly at first, like you're wasting valuable time that could be spent doing something else. Do it anyway. You just have to trust me on this one. Practice shutting those voices down. Practice sitting quietly. Practice giving yourself 10 whole, entire minutes. It really matters.
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I wrote this all because it was in my mind. I've got two family members who I have to keep forgiving, keep accepting for who they are, and keep letting go what they did to me. My own anger and desire for retaliation has even kept me awake at night, even. I want them to know how they hurt me, I want them to know that my lack of response isn't because they were right but because responding just validates the horrible things they say, I want them to know what I think of them. It's damned hard to work through forgiving them every time my brain dredges it all up, but I'm working on it.
So I started thinking about WHY I need to work so hard to forgive them, and writing these things down is just my way of sorting it all out in my own head. If you get something out of it, I'm glad. But believe me!!! I know that it's easy to write, and it's easy to read, but if it were easy to do the world would be an entirely different place!!!!
Peace!
Is it really worth the aggravation to try to force others to see your point in an internet debate or argument? You can pretty well tell within the first few exchanges if there's going to be an actual conversation where people share information and communicate, or if it's going to spiral down into a Jerry Springer episode. Life is too short. Shut the computer off and go do something productive.
Do you really think that your teenager is going to cheerfully do everything you tell her, never questioning you, never complaining, and maybe even without having to be asked at all? How often do you try to nail jello to a tree?
Your six year old dog is not going to learn, today, to stop barking at the neighbors. Bring him inside and let it go.
Your employer, if they're like most, is out to get as much out of its employees as possible while paying as little as possible. That's how business works in today's world.
If you try to fight every fight and win every battle, you're going to have a bad time. There are times when walking away, dropping it, letting it go, is really your best option. You don't have to win every time. It's not always worth the struggle.
2. Love yourself.
I don't mean that you should just not be suicidal. This means a lot more than we think when we throw that phrase around. This means stop hating on the grey hair. Buy clothes that fit and wear them instead of squeezing into those old jeans that give you a hernia and weeping about sizes gone by. This means that even when you're a hot mess you're still a worthwhile person who deserves good things. If you don't believe it, nobody else will. If you can't get there, get help. Real, professional help. This is a tough one to fix if it's gone wrong. You deserve love, both from yourself and from the world around you. If you can't believe that, you need to learn how.
3. Respect ALL Others
This one is kind of difficult. I've tried to find a better word to express myself, but haven't really come across it. My use of the word respect is meant as acknowledging that each human being has the same right to think, feel, behave, and live their lives how they choose, as any other human being. To respect each individual's right to exist on this planet; to grant that they are a human being, as each of us are, and that if we're born with any rights at all, then so we are ALL born with those same rights.
It's easy to respect people who earn your respect. It's easy to respect people who you like, whose choices you agree with. But what about the others? Your co-worker who stabbed you in the back to steal your promotion, your former friend who went nuts one afternoon, started freaking out on you, and hasn't spoken to you in a year, your uncle who spread terrible rumors about you because you wouldn't loan (give) him money, that person you read about in the newspaper who had her children taken away by social services because she was on drugs, that man living out of his car panhandling at the park, and more. Yes, there are people in this world that we like to say deserve no respect. We like to think that they are inferior, that because of their actions, their inaction, who they were born as, things they have or don't have, that we are better than they are. We don't like to say it that way, even inside our heads, but that's the core of it. We are wrong. That feeling is wrong. Every human being on this planet came into this world in the same way and is every bit as mortal, as fallible, as flawed, as beautiful. Some people make bad choices, terrible choices, choices that are ruinous to themselves or to others, sometimes to thousands of others. They are still human. The moment that you put yourself above them you make your own bad choice....because that's the same kind of thinking that gets them in those places. Nobody is superior. Smarter, maybe, luckier, certainly, kinder, gentler, more generous, sure, but nobody is a superior human being to anybody else. When you deny this to other people the only person you are hurting is yourself.
4. Explain yourself
Believe it or not, the people in your life are not mind readers. Nobody can understand what you don't explain. What do you feel? What do you want? Why? Expecting the people around you, even those who know you very well, to take hints, to just understand, to see you and somehow derive things from visual cues is all wrongful thinking. You see this most often in poor communication between men and women, but it happens to everybody. If your idea if going on strike is to stop doing dishes you might want to start by making sure that your housemates know you're frustrated about always having to do the dishes. If you want your partner to show you affection sitting at the table pouting might not be the best way to communicate that. If your children don't understand why you say something, responding with because I said so isn't very helpful.
We all get tired of it. We all wish somebody would just KNOW what we want, what we need, and provide that once in a while. The reality of it, though, is that nobody is psychic and the only way you'll ever get what you want is to communicate with others. I'm angry that nobody but me washes the dishes. I'm feeling upset and I'd really just like you to hold me for a while. You should do chores because a family is a team and we all have to pitch in.
By the way.....letting the people around you know when you're happy is a nice balance. Don't fall into the trap of just communicating the negative things.....communicate all of it.
5. Forgive
Forgiveness is hard. It's not enough to just say to others or to yourself, I forgive her. You have to actually mean it. But more than that.....you have to do it all over again. Oh yes! Forgiveness is not permanent, you see. You can honestly forgive somebody today and then in a week have a flash of anger or resentment hit you and discover that you've got to forgive that person all over again! Forgiveness is work, and it's hard work. It's a lot easier to just stay bitter, to just be angry, to hate....tiring, but easier. Forgiveness means letting go of pain, it means no longer holding somebody else accountable for the pain that you feel at their hands, and it means that you have to let the incident fall behind you and become a part of the past. It also means that when the hurt resurfaces that you have to deal with it all by yourself, that you can't resurface the entire situation and hold the person accountable all over again, but deal with it by yourself and go through the steps of letting it all go, all over again.
Even more....it means forgiving yourself.
6. Admit Your Mistakes
Guess what? You're human. As a part of the human race, you make mistakes, you have character flaws, you aren't perfect. Surprised? If you are, this may take some time.
Our world today has become a place where it's nearly impossible to offer criticism to another person. Constructive criticism, a very useful tool in helping people grow, is now considered a bad, awful thing. If an employer or co-worker offers some the response is often 'I know how to do my job!' If a friend offers some 'Who does she think she is?' If a partner offers some 'Why is s/he attacking me?' If a parent, sibling or other family offers is 'They just don't understand me!'
Well, maybe you can do your job better, which in the end could lead to raises, promotions, and a better future. Maybe she thinks shes you're friend and doesn't want to see you make mistakes and get hurt unnecessarily. Your partner hopefully loves you and may be having a problem with something you're doing. Your family understands you better than you think they do, usually, and hopefully wants what's best for you. When you make it impossible for anybody to ever say anything negative about you, you stop growing as a person. We all have room to grow, we all make mistakes, we all have things we can be working on. Instead of reacting in outrage and anger, try to listen to the constructive criticism and try to learn from it. Try to grow as a person.
7. Let Go of Regret
Verb
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Noun
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Synonyms
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Most people will admit they have some regrets. The lists usually consist of bad relationships, poor financial decisions, and so on. Some people have larger regrets.....a marriage, a pregnancy, or other major life choices gone wrong. Regrets are wasted energy. They are negativity added into your life that never needs to be there. When you feel regret there are two questions to ask yourself. A) Do you like your life today? and B) If you don't like your life, what needs to change? If you like your life as it is today then regret nothing because all the choices, the wins, the failures, that you've experienced brought you on this path to where you are now. If you don't like your life then stop lamenting it and look at how to fix it. Change is hard, but often necessary for personal growth. Don't be afraid of it. The past is already gone but you have some control of the future if you'll only take the reins.
8. Don't Try To Change Others
Oh, this is a doozy! There is a line from the movie Jerry Maguire that sums this up so very, very much:
- And oh, I don't know if you're interested in this detail, but I was just about to tell you that I love him. I love him, and I don't care what you think. I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is. I love him.
You will never get your ex to understand that you just wanted him to put you before his friends, and why that was so important to you, and to change accordingly. You've just got to accept that this is who he is. You will never get your girlfriend to not freak out over that magazine she found....if she doesn't accept it today she's not going to accept it in 10 years. This is how she feels and this isn't going to change. You aren't going to change your mother after all this time just by telling her that when she says you should lose a few pounds you want to consume a gallon of ice cream. If your BFF likes drama, nothing you say or don't say is going to change that so either get used to it or move on.
You do not have the power to change another person. You can't make him happy, you can't make her feel secure, you can't alter how they think or who they are inside. Learn to accept them for who they are, flaws and all, or let them go and find somebody who can.
9. Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged
"Oh, they're Smiths....you know! They live over in the Project Housing. All those Smith kids are bad."
"Well, she doesn't really HAVE to work, you know. Her parents are the Jonses! They're loaded."
"She got that job because they needed to fill a quota for female employees. It's not really a woman's job."
"He got into that college because he's black, you know. Equal Opportunity crap."
"Fat is not a handicap! If you'd walk instead you'd probably fix yourself!"
"Muslim?!? I don't want my kid in class with some terrorists kids!"
"Jeeez....feed her a cheeseburger or something! Where's the rest of her??"
"What??!! Are you retarded or something???"
Have you ever moved your hand protectively over your purse when a black kid with a hoodie was waling toward you?
Have you ever found yourself slowing down your speech and using smaller words to talk to somebody who is elderly?
Have you ever been horrified when somebody of the same gender hit on you?
Have you ever averted your eyes when walking near a biker in full gear? Avoiding eye contact?
Do you assume that all church goers believe the Bible word for blessed word and question nothing?
Do you think all gun owners are violent and aggressive people hoping to shoot somebody?
When a 7 year old child throws a full on tantrum in a store, do you assume his parents are morons who don't know how to raise a child?
If the person in front of you at the grocery store uses a food stamp card do you assume they're abusing the system?
If you see a young woman who appears to be in her teens with a baby or pregnant do you give her a dirty look or think she's a whore?
The list goes on. You know it does. And you know we all do it. I do it! We are raised with attitudes about certain groups of people, we pick more up along the way. We shed some when we get to know people and have life experiences, but we gain others from negative experiences. Making these judgments is a part of human nature; it's hardwired into us. But that is no excuse. Human beings have proven for centuries that we are more than just our biology, more than just another animal in the animal kingdom full of instincts and reactions we don't control. We control our own behaviors. We control our speech. We can even control our very thoughts! *gasp* So when you find yourself muttering about somebody, making some knee jerk comment related to their appearance, age, gender, sexual orientation, intelligence, etc......go back to #3, remember that you, too, do stupid things and make people angry, and try to let go of the judgmental attitude.
10. Meditate.
There are 24 hours in the day. Take 10 minutes of the 1440 minutes in that day for yourself. You don't have to sit with your legs crossed chanting OM, you don't have to light candles, burn incense, have complete silence, solitude, or any other stereotypical thing we associate in our heads with meditation. Lay in bed and listen to music. Take a walk around the block. Lock yourself in the laundry room and sit quietly for a bit listening to the whir of the washing machine. Stop on the way home from work at a park and just sit on a bench for a few minutes in the sun. Or in the rain. Or in your car! Whatever, where ever, it doesn't matter how you do it, just do it. Whatever it is that helps you to relax, that helps you turn off the cacophony inside your head, that helps that knot in your neck, your back, your gut, to untie even a little. DO IT. You may feel silly at first, like you're wasting valuable time that could be spent doing something else. Do it anyway. You just have to trust me on this one. Practice shutting those voices down. Practice sitting quietly. Practice giving yourself 10 whole, entire minutes. It really matters.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote this all because it was in my mind. I've got two family members who I have to keep forgiving, keep accepting for who they are, and keep letting go what they did to me. My own anger and desire for retaliation has even kept me awake at night, even. I want them to know how they hurt me, I want them to know that my lack of response isn't because they were right but because responding just validates the horrible things they say, I want them to know what I think of them. It's damned hard to work through forgiving them every time my brain dredges it all up, but I'm working on it.
So I started thinking about WHY I need to work so hard to forgive them, and writing these things down is just my way of sorting it all out in my own head. If you get something out of it, I'm glad. But believe me!!! I know that it's easy to write, and it's easy to read, but if it were easy to do the world would be an entirely different place!!!!
Peace!
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