A Mother's Promise

A promise to my son as he begins his teen years and approaches manhood.

Son, I promise you that I will do my best not to embarrass you (excessively) in front of your friends in person or online.
Son, I promise that, though this is my house and my rules, I will give you as much privacy as I can.
Son, I promise that if a girl breaks your heart I will be here for you to talk to, to vent to, and I will commiserate with you about how awful girls are, and mean it.
I promise you that no matter who your friends and girlfriends are, I will try very hard not to judge them by how they dress, the color of their hair, the names of their parents, what street they live on, or other things that really don't define who a person really is.
I promise that I if I see somebody bad mouthing you on Facebook I will not respond.
I promise that I will never confront a teacher for picking on you, singling you out, or not being fair to you, unless they have broken some kind of law.
I promise that I will let you fight your own battles, whether it be with friends, girlfriends, teachers, people's perceptions, etc., even though it kills me not to step in.
I promise that I will try not to treat you like you're a child, even though there is a place in my head where you always will be.
I promise that as I have raised you with wings, I will let you fly.
As I have taught you independence, I will let you have freedom.
As I have taught you right from wrong, I will give you the room to make mistakes.
As I love you, I will let you grow up.

Or I'll at least try.

Paula Deen -- For Realz?

Okay -- Rule #1 is NEVER trust the media to be honest and unbiased.  Since most of the links, blurbs, blogs, and comments that we see our friends post and share are based upon information gathered from the media, it's all suspect and subject to interpretation.

HERE is the link to the actual transcripts, to what was actually said:
 http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2013/06/entertainment/deen-deposition/index.html

I strongly urge anybody who wants to have an opinion or discourse on the subject of Ms. Deen to read this. You don't need to read it to talk about what words are PC, or if certain words are okay in certain circumstances, or what your own opinions are about racism, bandwagon hopping, and so on.  BUT if you want to intelligently discuss Ms. Deen's situation then forget reading news reports, forget watching You Tube videos, forget this opinion or that opinion by this celeb or that one, and go straight to the legal record.  That's as close as you're likely to get to actual truth of circumstance short of having been present yourself at the time.

Having read this I can only say that Ms. Deen has not got a great deal of understanding about the proper application of workplace ethics regarding sex, sexual harassment, racial issues, and what does or does not offend people other than herself and her brother.  She is proof that ANYBODY can become famous, no matter how intelligent they are, no matter how good a person they are or aren't, all they need is a gimmick.  Ms. Deen can cook.  That does not make her a role model but luckily for her it did make her rich.  I don't think the fame was very lucky for her in the end as after the American People build up our celebs we relish tearing them back down and burning the wreckage.  However, I don't believe that in the long run her core businesses, the restaurants, are going to suffer from the world finding out that she is no better than the rest of us.

If you think that she meant to be hurtful in her application of racial behavior and language, then I think that you're reading more into the situations than was ever there.   Is Ms. Deen a racist?  As much as anybody else is.  And I firmly believe that we are all racist, despite our best efforts.  It's bred into us when Mom locks the car door in the black neighborhoods when we stopped at the stop sign.  It's bred into us when we assume that the Asian student in our math class has the best grades.  It's bred into us when we ask the Native American woman if she knows of some herbal remedy for some random condition we have.  It's bred into us when we assume that a Muslim hates Americans.  It's bred into us from the time that we open our eyes outside the womb right up to and including today, and all of our tomorrows.  The best that we can do is to try to see it in ourselves, overcome it, and try to be a better person tomorrow than we were today.  But if we can't recognize the habits in ourselves, if we decide that we couldn't possibly do any wrong, that we couldn't possibly do anything bad, then right there and then we've decided not to learn and grow.   And that's a lot of what's wrong with the world, right there.

So Ms. Deen has learned a lesson about fame in America.  I think she'll come out of it okay in the end.  The lesson here?

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

― Lao Tzu

Ode to MidNite

In the wee hours of morning, at three a.m.
I heard a funny noise.  
It wasn't the dogs, it wasn't the cats, it wasn't the girls or boys.
What it was, I will tell you, was just a toy. 

At three a.m. the house is quiet, the world is calm and dark. 
But sleep won't come, at three a.m., it's gone on some dumb lark. 
At dawn this will leave a mark.  

But WAIT!  That's right!  Bzz sent me something to help
in situations like these! 
"Get to Sleep... Get BACK to Sleep..." MidNite promises with ease!
"No Morning Grogginess" if you please! 

Some melatonin and lavender, chamomile and lemon balm, 
Working together to help me sleep the rest of the night long.  
How could this go wrong! 

Thank You MidNight for helping me get back to my night's rest. 
If you haven't tried this, you've GOT to try this! (I've got it as a test!)
I have a coupon at your behest.  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#imabzzagent #gotitfree #midnite 

You REEEEEally Don't Want To Do That!!

It's a sunny, gorgeous, idyllic, Spring Wednesday Afternoon.  One of our dogs, Max, is on the back deck and he's trying very hard to catch a giant bumble bee in his mouth.  Luckily for him, the bee is not dumb enough to sit still and wait for a demise by doggy.
I really should be doing dishes, or something along those lines....I meant to scrub the bathroom floor today, but it's already over 80 degrees out and it's just after one in the afternoon.  It'll wait.
I'll be headed into town in a little bit to do some deliveries and run a few errands.....that's about the extent of my ambition until evening!  This heat wave is supposed to break tonight or tomorrow, though, with storms followed by days of rain and 60 degree weather.  Yay for my grass seed and flowers!  The humidity has been in the teens.....I feel like I could flay the skin from myself when I get scratching.  The burn ban is still on and yet there are brush fires and grass fires all over the place.  I hear the Massena FD get toned out last evening for a bon fire behind one of the local grade schools.  Those kinds of fires aren't even allowed in the village to begin with....lol!  Then to do it during a burn ban?  Bright.....just....bright.

I really love when I've got some quiet time and the dogs are playing out back....just watching them run around, chasing each other or playing keep away with a toy.  They're not very active today as it's so hot and I'm keeping the water dish plenty full for them.  It's just so nice to see them playing so innocently!  :)

I suppose I'd best be on my way.....get my errands going.

Just Another....Trippy Tuesday?

Ah, and a quiet morning it is, too.  It's overcast, sprinkling a tiny bit, and mid-60's out.  We've recently bought 150' of rabbit fencing and fenced in the back yard all the way back to the woods, hung a screen from the French Doors that lead out to the back deck, and now the dogs and cats can go in and out as they please when I leave the door open for them.  And OMG do they love it!!!  I hadn't anticipated the cats going out, but once I realized that they were going to I decided to let them.  The two girls shouldn't have any problems, and Lucky is 15 years old....he's earned some freedom.  Milly has been barking at the neighbor's dog a lot, which has caused him to complain about her barking, but we're working on it.  He suggested a shock collar, but she responds really well to a wrapping paper tube so I don't think I need to electrocute her.  

Crystal stopped by last evening, though I was running errands, and Notarized the proxy for Colin's field trip to Washington DC.  He'll be going in a few weeks.  I don't remember why I didn't go....it was probably too much money.  I'm glad to be able to send him -- and he'll go to Boston next year.  I want him to see as much as he can, as young as he can.  I want him to see the world as an exciting adventure that he CAN be a part of.

Jo is on her way over to drop Sammy off to me for the afternoon.  She's got a lunch date she's headed for -- a picnic.  :)  I hope that the rain holds off for her!

I've been IMing and Texting with an old friend from high school, Kim.  We had some vague falling out right at graduation and never saw each other again.  She married young and moved out of the area and is a bit of an introvert, so it's no wonder, really.  Sounds like she's done really well.....still with the same husband, some good boys, one a Marine....it's nice to catch up.  It's nice to put that old mystery to rest and move on from it.

My current friendship mission is to track down Jen and actually see her!  Hopefully, Crystal and I can get a date out of her to do some kind of get together.  Jen is supremely busy, which her Type A personality must be relishing in, but we miss her.  In the last few years the majority of our opportunities to visit with her have been limited to her family gatherings and parties, which I know I haven't made it to most of them.  But as her girls get older, their birthday parties are more about them and having their friends around, not about their mothers friends and so on.  And the New Year's Eve parties.....well, there are so many good memories at Proper NYE parties, but I like the comfort of being in my own house and I like that Kyle and I can both drink, not worry about who's driving, and be able to sleep in our own bed before dawn.  It's just more relaxing....which as I get older is more what I'm about.  So my opportunities to visit with Jen have shrunk.  But hopefully we can track her down and nail her to a date to chill for a bit!!

I recently got a poisoned pen letter from my Uncle Chris and Aunt Cathy.  They seem to have some ideas about me, and my mother along with them, that I can only shake my head at.  And when pressed as to what my problem is by my mother I explained about the high blood sugar and the insulin shots I was about to start.  However, she appears to have brushed that off, not recognizing it as an actual problem that could or would affect other things.  The aunt and uncle in question are dead to me, now.  They are very sick people with terrible addiction problems and terrible life problems brought about by their addictions and thieving behaviors.  I'm not entirely sure why I became their current focus for drama/trolling, but I don't plan to pay any real attention to it.  I can't eliminate it from my thoughts, as I'd like, but I can eliminate them from my life and prevent further drama and negativity.  As for my mother, I don't even have the energy to answer all her questions.  She seems to want to dissect my life and has made several negative assumptions about me based on no information and misinformation.  Plus, we all know what they say about ASSumptions.  So as I don't feel any pressing desire or need to psychoanalyze myself for anybody else, I simply won't.  I love my mother, I respect her, and I often seek her opinions and the benefit of her experience, but in this situation she seems to have been influenced by her siblings and their very skewed outlooks.  I'm sure she'll come to the same conclusions upon further thought.  She's had a very difficult year, so much more so than anything I've had to go through, losing her sister, ongoing health issues, and various personal issues as we all have.  I don't presume to know what's in her head, but I know she'll work it through because I know how smart she is.

The insulin is going really well, btw.  I'm still taking my oral medications for the time being and have added a Lantus injection by pen each night before bed.  Right now I'm on 17 units and gradually increasing.  It's brought my morning numbers gradually down and headed in the right diretion, and has helped with the rest of my numbers.  Everything is still too high, but the fluctuations are less drastic and things are getting better.   I will see my doctor again in a few weeks, by which time I should have my morning number where we want it, and then I'm going to switch off all the pills and go to fast acting insulin for meals.  I feel SO much better already both for finally dealing with this problem and for all the physical changes that come with getting healthier.  High blood glucose leads to all sorts of problems, from depression and mood swings, to constant yeast infections, lethargy, mental confusion and fatigue, and a whole host of physical problems.  There are so many more symptoms than most people know about when it comes to diabetes.....things like dry skin, brittle hair, etc.  There are also many ill side effects from the pills.  Januvia 100mg, glipizide 5mg, metformin 2000mg.....these are battering my liver and who knows what else they're doing....and they're not effective.  I'm looking forward to getting off all of them.  I also expect to come off the prozac soon, too, as having my blood sugar under control is most likely going to fix any persistent problems in that area.

So that's my most recent update.  Still watching the (non-existent) job market, still learning to budget on a two week pay period (I don't think I'll ever get used to that....budgeting is just not part of my skill set), and rolling with the punches!

I hope you're rolling with your punches, too, and I hope that your problems aren't any worse than mine!

Insulin Time

Well, I was first diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes at 32 years old, so about eight years ago.  I'd had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant in 2000, which was controlled by a very strict diet of 30g carbs for meals and 15g for snacks, and a morning dose of insulin at 7am every single stinking day.  When diagnosed as a T2 I was on Metformin and Amyril and drove my A1c right down to 5.4 at my best.  However, over the last handful of years I've been slipping.  In part, I've been lazy, not testing, not being as strict in my diet, not walking or exercising every day, but also my diabetes has progressed.  I take my meds every day, just as they are meant to be taken.  I'm not sedentary, though I'm not highly active.  And I've managed to continue my very slow but sure weight loss to the point where I'm at 170lbs from an all time high eight years ago of about 230lbs, and I'm still gradually working my way down.  I want to be 160lbs for the summer and a size 12, instead of the size 14 I am right now.  I'm getting there.
But my A1c is getting somewhere, too....mainly in the 9-11 range.  I take 100mg Januvia, 2000mg metformin, and 5mg of glipizide every day, between morning and evening doses.  I even take the occasional extra 2.5mg of glipizide, or extra 1000mg of metformin....mainly during my PMS week when my fluctuating hormones drive my numbers up a solid 50 points or more.  Le sigh.
So basically, I'm out of control, medicine is no longer keeping anything even close to where it should be, and I've been avoiding my doctor most of this year and last.  Which does nothing, of course, but allow me to live a fantasy and damage my body, but sometimes denial is just the game we play with ourselves.
I'm not completely out of denial yet, but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30am and I am doing what I can to mentally prepare myself to be starting insulin.  I expect that the Januvia and glipizide will go bye-bye and hopefully the metformin, too.  I'm ready, I think, to stop acting like I've failed, somehow, and accept that even walking six miles, eating right, and taking my meds, isn't going to stop the march or this disease.  I think that it might even be a relief, in the end.  I know I'll certainly FEEL better when things are where they should be.
So I've googled, read up, and asked a dozen questions to somebody I know who is a Type 1, to learn about insulin.  I want to try the pen instead of injections.  I did injections when I was pregnant and there were mornings when I sat there with that tiny little needle poised above my thigh and the ONLY reason I managed to stick that dart in was for the child in my womb.  I HATE NEEDLES.  Oh, the irony, eh?  Well, the pen sounds a lot easier.....more like using the lancet in my glucometer, which though I hate it, I do manage to do several times a day now.  My T1 source explained how a sliding scale works, and that makes so much sense and seems to much easier than taking some extended release pill, and then testing, testing, testing, and walking, jumping jacks, elliptical, etc, trying to fight the inevitable rise of glucose in my blood.
I do have questions....but I don't know who I might know  who's a Type 2 on insulin.  If you read this -- let me know!  lolz

When you're on insulin and are going to be drinking alcohol, how do you plan for that?  Do you take less insulin  knowing that the alcohol is going to eventually drop your glucose number?  Or do you do things like your normally would and just watch your numbers and eat something if you need to?

What about birthday parties or other special events when you want a damned piece of cake or some ice cream?  Or PMS when chocolate is an absolute MUST and you're just constantly in a state of munchies?  If you find your numbers are higher than they should be, do you take an extra dose of insulin?  That is, if you've got fast acting insulin?

Right now my morning numbers are high, but slightly lower than my bedtime numbers, so nothings going up at night.  In the past I've had to have a bedtime snack to prevent going too low overnight.  Does this mean I'll likely need some long acting or middle whatever insulin?

Le sigh.  I'm sure there are other questions I don't even know enough to be thinking of yet.

The hardest part of this really is getting over this mental hurdle of guilt, that whole 'you did this to yourself' thing.  Even though my fitness and nutritional habits kick started this journey, it was a journey that my genes planned for me.  Diabetes is genetic.  Thin people can develop Type 2, and there are many obese people that NEVER have any problems with blood glucose.  Type 2 Diabetes has been with us for many years....it didn't just develop during the "obesity epidemic".  My doctor told me at one of my visits last year, when my A1c was a horrifying number and I told her I'd been being bad, she told me that I couldn't have been that bad, not if I was taking my meds, not and be living a normal lifestyle, keeping active, working on losing weight and succeeding....she told me that there's more at work than anything I'm doing.  I take that to mean that my beta cells are giving up the ghost and shutting down, sending me toward LADA/Type 1.5 realm,. or something along those lines.....can you develop a tolerance to these meds I've been taking?  I don't know, but I don't think there are many other choices of meds out there.

Anyway.....I'm crazy nervous for this visit tomorrow.  It's all well and good to say that I've accepted the inevitable, but it's a whole different story to actually face facts and go through with things.  As they say, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.  So if you're reading this and have any words of experience to offer, by all means do so!  I already know the medical science part of most of it, though, so thanks anyway there.

Okay....off to be productive again!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  We had our party on Friday (today being Sunday) and though our only guests ended up being Crystal, and Shawn and Steph, we had a great time.  
I'm definitely going stir crazy, cooped up in the house so much.  There's snow on the ground still.....last year our party was outside!  Ah, well.  Spring is on it's way, you can smell it in the air, hear it when the geese sing, see it in the evening sunshine.....so I've just got to hang in there.  I mean to start walking this week, though my walking partner is down with the flu.  I've got to start moving more.....I've been feeling the effects of my laziness for a while now....I'm not putting pounds on, but I'm not losing any more either, and I just don't feel good.  
So far 2013 is an interesting year.  It started off badly with a great loss when my Aunt Glen died much sooner than expected.  Though she was fighting stage 4 small cell lung cancer, she had a fall and slipped into a coma months before we thought we'd lose her.  But she went quickly, all things considered, and was spared such pain.  I have days where I miss her very much and pull up pictures.  I only got to know her well in the last year or two, but I am so very glad I did get that chance.  Though it hurts so much to have lost her, it was worth it to know her.  My aunt and I went down and helped my cousin get the house cleaned out so it could go up for sale.  It's a beautiful house and the price it's listed at is a steal.....if I lived in the Syracuse area I'd be all over it!  Hopefully it sells quickly so that my cousin can put the last of all this behind her and have what closure she can.  It's been a long and winding road for her that has left her with so many wounds and scars.  
Financially things are pretty much where they were at last year.  Which is to say, struggling, but no more than anybody else, and managing to get by one way or another.  In this economy I don't believe that there are many people left who feel comfortable financially, so we try to stay grateful for what we do have and not worry about what we don't have.  We have a lot more than a lot of people out there so we count our blessings.  
We start this year with a very full house -- Kyle and I, Colin is headed into his teen years this year and we've moved his bedroom into the basement, our four dogs Max, Jake, Gypsy, and Milly, and our three cats Lucky, Viscous, and Maya.  It's a bit crowded, and things get a bit nuts at times but all in all, it's all good.  
My father's hip replacement is all healed up, but his lower back is destroyed and isn't something that the good doctors can fix, so he's all but disabled.  My mother has psoriatic arthritis and is taking low dose chemo to help with it and looking to start Embril soon.  
My youngest brother is job hunting.  His back is destroyed, too, but he's young and looking to put that aside and have some kind of life.  My other younger brother down in Philly sounds like he's doing well.  He has a girlfriend whose parents sound like they actually LIKE him, and he seems pretty serious.  I'll believe it when I get the wedding invitation, though.  
I have friends in every state of existence it seems.....one going through a divorce, one trying to plan a wedding, one working through and unusual marriage, one who's gone all quiet, one who's popped up out of nowhere, one starting a new career, one sick and struggling with her health, and more.  Anybody who thinks that getting older puts you beyond some of these hurdles in life is dead wrong.  
So that's a short summary of the last several months.  
So how you doin'?