100 Truths

LAST:

-1. Last beverage:    Coffee

-2. Last phone call:   Crystal

-3. Last text message:   Katie

-4. Last song you listened to:   Figured You Out by Nickelback

-5. Last time you cried:    Valentine's Day

HAVE YOU EVER:

-6. Dated someone twice:    Yes

-7. Been cheated on:   Yes

-8. Kissed someone & regretted it:   No

-9. Lost someone special:  Yes

-10. Been depressed:    Yes

-11. Been drunk and threw up:  Yes

LIST YOUR THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

-12. Red

-13. Blue

-14.  Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

-15. Made a new friend?:   Yes

-16. Fallen out of love?:   No

-17. Laughed until you cried?:    No

-18. Met someone who changed you:   No

-19. Found out who your true friends were?:  Already knew that

-20. Found out someone was talking about you?:   Yes

-21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list?:    Yes -- hubby is on my friends list! lol

-22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?:   Maybe 150

-23. How many kids do you want?: Wouldn't mind one or two more 

-25. Do you want to change your name?:  Nope -- it's perfect 

-26. What did you do for your last birthday?:   Hung out with my family

-28. What were you doing at midnight last night?:  Sleeping

-29. Name something you CANNOT wait for?:   Our tax return

-30. Last time you saw your Mother?:   About a week ago

-31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?: Nothing  

-33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?:   Yes

-34. Who is getting on your nerves now?:   The little dog

-35. Most visited web page?:   Facebook

-36. Whats your real name?:   Amy

-37. Nicknames:    Saille

-40. Male or female?:  Female

-41. Primary School?:   St. Joseph's then Trinity Catholic

-42. Secondary School?:   J.W. Leary Jr. High

-43. High school/tech school/college?:    Massena Central HS

-44. Hair color:    light brown

-45. Long or short:   short

-46. Height:  5'4"

-47. Do you have a crush on someone?:   No

-48: What do you like about yourself?:   Ability to listen

-49. Piercings:  Ears

-50: Tattoos:   None

-51. Righty or lefty: Righty  

FIRSTS :

-52. First surgery:   c-section

-53. First piercing:   ear

-54. First best friend:   Crystal

-55. First sport you joined:  None

-56. First vacation:   Walt Disney World

-57. First nightmare:   A witch in my bedroom stirring a cauldron

-58. First Love:   Matt S. 

RIGHT NOW:

-59. Watching:   Nothing

-60. Texting:  Nobody

-62. Talking:    Nobody

-63. Listening to:  My kiddo playing xbox in the next room

YOUR FUTURE :

-64. Want kids?:    Got one

-65. Get married?:    Already am

-66. Career:    All set

EITHER/OR:

-67. Lips or eyes:   Eyes

-68. Hugs or kisses?:    hugs

-69. Shorter or taller:   doesn't matter

-70. Older or Younger:   right in the middle is fine

-71. Romantic or spontaneous:   spontaneous

-72. Nice stomach or nice arms:  arms!!

-73. Sensitive or loud:   in the middle

-74. Hook-up or long term relationship:   I'm happily married

HAVE YOU EVER :

-76. Kissed a stranger:   Yes

-77. Drank hard liquor:      Yes

-78. Lost glasses/contacts:   Yes

-79. Sex on first date:   Yes

-82. Been arrested:   No

-83. Turned someone down:    Yes

-84. Cried when someone died:   Yes 

-85. Fallen for a friend:    Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

-86. Yourself:    Yes

-88. Love at first sight:   Yes

-89. Heaven:    Depends on your definition

-90. Santa Claus:    Yes

-91. Kiss on the first date:   Yes  

-92. Angels:     No

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

-94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:   No

-95. Did you sing today?:   Not yet

-96. Ever cheated on somebody?:    Yes

-97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:  I wouldn't go at all.

-98. The moment you would choose to relive?:    None

-99. Are you afraid of falling in love?:   Never

-100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths?:  No.  It's kind of lame now that I've done it.  I'll post it anyway.  

30 Days of Truth

So I'm swiping this from a post in a forum I'm in.  It's a neat idea....maybe a touch corny, but neat all the same!  I figured I'd put it in here and share!!  Please feel free to join in, reply with your own answers or swipe altogether like I did!

30 Days of Truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
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The Fat Pendulum

So I've started working out.  By this I mean that as I pass the exercise machines on the way to the washer and dryer I stop and use them for a few minutes.  It's absolutely amazing how weak and out of shape I am!!  My 20th High School Reunion is this summer....unfortunately it's not only the weekend of my birthday, but the weekend that we take an annual trip to my brother and sister-in-law's in Henrietta to see the Air Show.  This year the Blue Angels are coming and that's a huge treat because they are really the top in the field.  So I intend to miss my 20th HS reunion.  I'd still like to get in shape before then, though....how weird am I?

Nine years ago when my husband and I started dating I was a size 16/18.  I'd lost some weight (185lbs or so kicking out the ex) being less depressed but it plateaued quickly because I had an under active thyroid.  When I realized that was the problem I got it medicated and dropped a bit more weight.  But being happy and being with a  man who found me sexy and hot just the way I was allowed me to be lazy and not really pay much attention.  Over the next four years before we got married I managed to gain a few pounds here and a few pounds there.  In 2005 I was diagnosed a Type 2 Diabetic at 32 and was about a size 22W then.  Yeah...I was FAT.....at 5'4" that is fat....there's really no other word for it unless you want to bury your head in the sand.

That was a HUGE wake up call....no pun intended.  I really took charge of myself.  I was walking up to four miles at least every other day.  I was active, I watched what I ate, I really went all out.  I went overboard.  I became the extreme version of myself being healthy.  And I burned out on it.  You can really only eat so many bowls of Kashi for breakfast.....so many properly balanced snacks and meals.....and you can truly only have pretend chocolate just so many times before you snap.  I didn't snap all at once....I slid.  I was the ultimate fat pendulum....I went from the most unhealthy version of myself, to the most healthy, and then began the swing back to unhealthy.  Two days before giving birth to my son in 2000 I weighed 215lbs and resembled a medium sized home.  In my unhealthy years I topped out around 230lbs.

There are plenty of reasons why I gained the weight....I enjoy food, I was happy and comfortable with myself and just didn't pay attention, it was too hot/cold to walk, I was too tired after working to exercise....all the usual bullshit.  Those reasons are not excuses.  There is no excuse for a 5'4" woman to weigh 200+ pounds.  No under active glands, no thyroid imbalances, no diabetes meds that "make" you gain weight...none of these things are excuses.  I just got lazy about myself and got fat.

Don't get me wrong....it wasn't that I had a low self esteem.  I didn't suffer from depression or anxiety or any personality or social disorders.  When I was working I worked, when I was home I cooked, cleaned, took care of my family.  I took showers, I wore nice clothes, I knew how to dress so that I looked my best, I wore make-up and did my hair.  I was not slovenly, I was not a slob, I was not as wide as I was tall or ugly or anybody you'd look twice at.  I was just another woman approaching middle age who let herself go...and went a wee bit further than she thought.  Being fat does not mean a person is lazy in general, or a slob or a bad person.

But we all know the story of the diet roller coaster; right?  So the weight came back and brought some friends....that's how it goes.  When I was outgrowing size 22W jeans and able to loosely wear a size 24W I had enough.  I didn't stop eating, I didn't buy some new diet pills, I didn't do a whole body cleanse, or buy shakes or go nuts.  I changed one thing.  I started with buying whole grain white bread instead of standard white bread.  I started buying Fiber One products like pancakes to replace the usual ones we'd eat, and their granola bars for snacks, and their cereals.  They even make cottage cheese now!  I gradually changed the things that I was buying not just for myself, but for my husband and son, from the typical crap to something better.  I started drinking more water and making sure not to sit for more than a certain amount of time even if I just got up to walk to the next room and drink a cup of water.  I focussed on gradually increasing the fiber in our diets because this is one very important and very ignored area of nutrition.  Fiber is king in the world of nutrition and it can change how your digestive system functions in it's entirety for the better.

It's been somewhere between two and three years since I've started this gradual campaign.  My family never really noticed they were eating healthier, they just were.  Nobody noticed when I dropped to a size 18.  Maybe because I was still wearing many of the same clothes and still dressed baggy.  When I pulled out my summer clothes in 2010 and none of them fit because they were too big people noticed.  When I started to wear a regular size 16 people noticed.  And it feels GOOOOOOOD to have people notice!  I gained a bit back over the holidays (big surprise) but I fully intend to be a 14 for next summer.  I know if I went on some program like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slimfast or something I could probably get down to a 10.  But I also know from past experience that I'd bounce right back.  It may be taking me a long time, but the weight is staying off.  Someday I'll be a size 8 again.

And so I'm working out again.  Just in bits and pieces, here and there, for a few minutes a few times a day.  But spring is coming and when the snow is gone maybe I'll get walking again and get back in shape.  Right now if I wear the right low cut shirt to a bar nobody really notices how fat I still am.  But I'd really like to feel sexy....I'd really like to feel that, when I put on an outfit, it looks goood.  I don't want to dress like a teenager or a college student.  I'll be 40 in a few more years and I have absolutely NO desire to relive my younger years, as much fun as they were.  But I would like to have the body confidence that I had back then.  Fifteen years ago I KNEW that my body was nice.  It wasn't as toned or as thin as some girls', but I felt sexy.  And that's the goal now....to feel sexy.  When my husband and I go out I want him to have his hackles up the whole night.  :-)   And when I have eyes for nobody else but him I want other guys to think he's a lucky son of a bitch.  And I'd like to feel like they're right. :-D

Go Steelers!!!

Well, it didn't look like the Steelers showed up to play in the first half.  But maybe....
The half time show was just awful....not without talent and planning, but techno crap annoys me.  Unless I'm drinking at a bar....then it's sometimes okay.  And srsly....who told Fergie she could sing?  Really?  I mean, really?
So let's hope the 2nd half of this game is waaaaay better than the first!!!

Mars and Venus, and Unemployment

It seems like the number one problem in relationships is the lack of communication.  It's not that the two parties don't say what they mean or don't speak up.  People don't seem to have much trouble expressing themselves.  The hiccup seems to be in really hearing what the other person is saying.  We want our partner to really HEAR the meaning behind our words, the emotions underneath what we're saying but we're not really doing that for them.  And when the hurt feelings build up and there's anger and pain and even some fear about the future of the relationship it becomes very hard to let those negative emotions go.  We're afraid that they'll be replaced with nothingness, and we'd rather have the anger and hurt than have nothing at all.

It doesn't help that men and women speak totally different languages.  Men have been engineered by biology and evolution to provide.  Their wiring is all about bigger, better, faster, stronger and how to get there.  Women are wired for emotional support and to create the nest, to create the home.  Our wiring is about comfort, nurturing, protection.  This is by no means exclusive....the gender roles haven't been that clearly defined since the day man went from being a nomadic creature to staying put, farming and brewing beer....er....that is, since we settled down.  But even though women can provide and men can nurture it doesn't change basic engineering.  We are what we are and our basic instincts are in our DNA.  I use the words man and woman in the traditional sense, but only you know which role applies to you so be flexible about the gender identities.

When a man loses his job or has his income cut it is NOT just a matter of trimming the household fat and hanging in there until things turn around.  It's about his manhood....about him losing his ability to take care of his family, his primary purpose is threatened.  No words of comfort, no assurances that things will be okay touch the anger and fear he has inside that he is failing, or worse, has already failed.  And he can't tell us because even if he really understands this feeling, he's a man and men just don't voice these things.  Fear is not an option....or something like that.  And yes, this applies to men no matter what their sexual orientation, no matter how much money is in the bank, no matter how secure the household finances are.  Unless he's stepping right into the next job and it is equal to, or greater than, the one he just got shut out of he will have a negative reaction to it.

So what can we do for them?  Well, that I don't have any great answers for.  It's important that we assure them that we still need them, that they are necessary, and that things will improve.  But it's equally important not to comfort them like a child which makes them think we see them like a child, like somebody we now have to take care of.   NOT complaining about what isn't getting paid or the things we can't have is important.  He already knows he's not making enough money (even if he is).  Reminding him drives the depression deeper.  If you can get him to talk to his doctor and try an antidepressant during the hard times is a good idea.  Otherwise, just hang in there.  Try to find other ways to do fun things that are affordable.  Family game nights, movie nights, "staycations" (and yes, that term is idiotic, but you know what I mean) -- the less impact on the overall feeling of contentment in the house the better.  Now might be a good time to find out what his dreams are....maybe he'd like to go back to school or open his own business.  There are so many programs out there for people who've been hurt by the recession that now is a great time to try something new.

It's just as hard for women when we lose our jobs, too.  For many women, staying home is a dream and when we lose our jobs and are handed this dream the negativity of the job loss is compounded by our own guilt at secretly wanting to be home anyway.  We want to clean the attic, we want to hunt the dust bunnies under the beds, we'd love to have a clutter free home, we'd like to cook some huge meal that blows everybody away.  But we know that having a one income household means doing without a lot of things that many families consider standard:  two cars, travelling, theme park vacations, fancy electronics, cell phones with unlimited data plans for everybody old enough to type, Coach purses, Tommy jeans, 4000 square feet homes with three stall garages on 1.5 acres of landscaped land, et cetera.  Society tells us we're poor if we don't have half these things and we buy into it.  All these things we "can't live without" make it necessary to have two incomes just to keep up with the bills.  So we work, and we hate it.  Being put out of a job is a dream come true....until the bills come and then we're eaten up with guilt for not helping to bear the burden we've created.

For women who have careers and jobs that they want outside the home losing that can be a huge blow to our self esteem.  Equality has come a long, long way in the last few generations, but it's still difficult to be a woman in the working world.  When layoffs and downsizing hits it is often the women who go home first with the archaic thinking that there is a "MAN" to provide for the household or they don't want to fire a "MAN" because he has a family to provide for.  As if somehow the women don't have the same responsibilities.  But if we voice opinions that we lost our job due to being a woman then we are using our status as a female minority to strong arm an employer into keeping us whether or not we're the best person for the job.  We're taking a job away from a "MAN" who has a family to provide for.  So we have these feelings to deal with, these stereotypes and images to contend with, along with all the usual fun and games that go along with unemployment.

Either way, as women we want to be comforted.  We already know how to hunt for a job.  We already know how to trim the fat in the household and how to stretch the dollars, even if we aren't always very good at it.  We know, academically, that there are other jobs out there and that we'll find one of those jobs and eventually it will all work out.  Women were built for endurance and we can handle the kind of stress that comes with the job hunt.  But we need a release valve...we need to rant and rave about the unfairness of life and how sometimes it feels like the world is out to get us.  We need to say it out loud how much it all sucks.  We don't want somebody to fix it for us, or to help us or to tell us what to do.  We just need to let the negativity out and have somebody say, "You're right.  It sucks.  But it will be okay."  Men have a natural instinct to want to fix things for us.  If we present a problem he feels that it is his job to take care of the problem.  So how can we get a man to listen to us?  This I have a suggestion for!  lol  Being a woman and all....  BEFORE you start to complain, before you release the valve on the pent up frustration and anger inside you, TELL HIM what you want from him.  Men do not take hints.  Men do not read between lines.  Men like straightforward instructions.  So come right out and say, "I need some comforting and just to vent."  This way he knows what is expected of him and he can help us in a way that is effective, which is what he wanted to do all along.

Whether you're married, whether your spouse is male or female, whether you're male or female....the dynamics of relationships usually work in fairly set patterns.  Whether you've got a masculine outlook on life or a more feminine outlook, it's important that your partner understand your needs and that you understand theirs.  Sometimes, when things have gone too far the bad feelings build up a wall between you.  Whether you're more wrong or they are, somebody has to open the lines between you.  Don't suppress the anger, don't pretend the hurt isn't there.  Instead, forgive.  Let the anger and hurt go.  Reach out to your partner and ask them what they need and then really listen to what they're saying.  If you do this for them that should set the precedent for them to do the same for you.  If it doesn't send them a link to this!!  And if nothing works then maybe it's time to consider other options.